To Her.

I take her with me everywhere I go, the wounds are not my fault but protecting and healing her is my responsibility. A promise from me to the little heart that she will never get abandoned again. And even though I have taken the responsibility to protect her, whenever this world does me wrong, I come running back to her. 

The love I have for her has always been my inspiration for anything and everything I do; I have written her so many letters in my mind over the years. But I have never actually put any words down to the little girl before. I am nervous because I have so much to say to her but only a little time today. Sometimes I forget that she is not going anywhere, she is always here with me. I have always wondered about her. I do not remember her at this age, except in broken childhood memories that I cannot decide are even my own. Most are pieced together from old photos or other people’s stories of her. I do remember her getting excited about clothes and collecting flowers everywhere she goes which I still do till this date, not sure if this is my way of holding onto her but every now and then I do something little me would have loved.  

I did not realize as a child but a few years ago when I started my journey of healing, I realized how hard it would have been for a 5-year-old transitioning from innocent play with Barbies to rushing to my room only to hear my mother’s panicked shouts to close the door behind me, followed by the unsettling sound of screams, was bewildering. Then, in the aftermath of the chaos, seeing my mother approach with blood on her, pleading with me not to breathe a word about it at school the next day, was a moment that resonated deeply with me. The way when she was trying to help her older sibling with his anxiety attacks while their parents were busy fighting, she could not even find a good friend to rely on, not that she ever cared then. I am writing this to remind her that no matter how much life throws at us, we will find the people who give us as much love we give out in the world if not more, and you will not have to fight for it, any of it.  

I don’t mean to pity her, she still had the light inside her and went through life without any worries, but she did not deserve it, I still to this day go through any difficulties in my life, I sit and talk with her about everything and there’s some kind of peace in that which I cannot find elsewhere. It teaches me patience and the art of letting go, the little girl who did not even know how to spell life teaches me how to live life every day.